this is in response to the response to my cornwall diary. and i have to say first, who is this you, and i mean someone in particular. and i wanted to do this publicly in order to say how much it meant to me, for a variety of reasons. how much it contributed to for what the corny word is healing but what in reality is so much more difficult; all those horrid things that probably cost me the sleep of probably half my life. & it's likely not going to stop with feeling of being haunted and hurt for the rest of my life, but those sort of responses can make things just the decisive bit more bearable. no one told me to shut up or to go to therapy or that everything is wrong what i say, people actually did hear me out. which feels so rare. which is so rare. but which is so important. the way some people responded, said things, different things, short notes, long sentences, close words, indirect observations. all good. nonjudgemental. kind.
so who are you. you know me since such a long time, since even when i was married and you know how i look like and i often wrote to you in sleepless nights, you on the other side of the sea. you have always been a gentle presence in my life. by now you should know that You are meant and others probably not, but if they felt they are meant that is just as well, because their response meant a lot to me too (in their own different ways). i don't want to be too fussy about the distinction here.
you've written to me a longlong mail about my cornwall diary, how it made you cry and i shed a tear or two about what you've written as well when i read your response. but i can't take it in properly just yet (like i couldn't take in properly what others said, i registered it
somehow, and - i think - wrote some banal words in reply as well - and it did not - yet - properly sink in. it's that sort of
significance that dawns slowly on one and becomes weightier and
weighter). so i sort of send you some banal lines, sort of confirmation of receipt. a few days i later i read it again and allow myself to cry properly about it. and i write to you a few more banal lines and i also manage to tell you how much it moved me what you wrote. and i tell you i will reply some time which i still haven't done. somehow i am a person that always replies to mails, and sometimes maybe too fast (i sometimes - well often - ought to think more about what i do - before i do things...), but i want to give it time this time round, and try to say the right things. i just wrote this again, as an additional banal thing so that you know: i will reply (even tho you said i didn't have to - and you don't have to reply to this one...) and i just meanwhile (until i reply) wanted to tell you that i think a lot of what you - and others - said, and how it helped. and i see you suffering, too, and i often wish i could be a better friend to you, i generally often wish i could be a better person. but then one is the way one is... and meanwhile i have only my appreciation of your words and the presence of your person, as you are.
so, thank you.